Sex after 60: Overcoming the challenges

Skin to skin: Physical intimacy is as nice at age 75 as it is at 25.

But here’s the rub: As many – if not nearly all – older people know, sex life with your partner isn’t as arousing as it used to be.

Maybe it’s even dead, although your sexual needs aren’t.

Maybe you moan now out of frustration and not with pleasure, because your body no longer performs as it once did.

So is that it? May your sex life rest in peace?

Not at all, says German journalist and author Andrea Micus in her book Sex After 60: How to Preserve Libido and Love, as the title translates from the German.

“Older people often have the advantage of time, of not being distracted by children, job and other things,” she says. “They can experiment afresh.”

So, where can couples start?

Here are three common problems, and how to solve them:

Embarrassment is hardly conducive to sex.

When your body has visibly and palpably aged, with its wobbly bits and wrinkles, it can be difficult to feel comfortable in your own skin.

Could another person find that body sexy?

Unthinkable, your mind tells you.

The body ideals promoted by the media – “young, slim and smooth,” as Micus says – exacerbate these feelings of inadequacy.

Though it’s easier said than done, it helps to let go of societal images of sexual attractiveness and work with what you’ve got.

“You have to embrace a realistic picture,” says Micus.

For starters, you can give your body more attention, take good care of it.

“If you feel well in your own body, if you make it more presentable, you’ll be more confident when it comes to sex,” she says.

“Couples I see that look after themselves are probably more [sexually] interested in each other.”

Just how you do this is up to you.

Perhaps you could get more exercise and shed a kilogramme or two, treat yourself to a manicure or simply spruce yourself up for no particular reason.

The penis is supposed to go into the vagina.

Without the act of penetration, it’s not really sex – this is a stubborn notion that can be especially demoralising to older people.

After all, one in three men over the age of 60 suffer from erectile dysfunction, according to the Munich Municipal Hospital Group in Germany.

This means that, in more than two-thirds of their attempts over a period of six months, they’re unable to get or maintain an erection long enough to have sexual intercourse.

And many older women suffer from vaginal dryness caused by a decrease in oestrogen levels that reduces blood flow to mucous membranes in the vagina.

This can make penetration unpleasant for them.

Painful sex can also occur as a result of gynaecology surgery, says Micus.

Age-related physical hindrances can be a problem as well, such as an achy hip that makes certain positions for intercourse impossible, or heart problems that cause you to worry it may not stand up to the strain.

Some physical problems can be dealt with.

PDE5 inhibitors such as tadalafil or sildenafil can be used to treat erectile dysfunction.

Lubricants can remedy vaginal dryness.

As for what can’t be changed, there’s only one thing that helps: acceptance.

“He can say, ‘I can’t get it up any more!’

“She can say, ‘I had knee surgery and can’t have sex like that any more!’

“Or they can accept reality and make the best of it.

“There are so many variations,” says Micus.

Having communicated with many older couples for her book, she knows that the sexual logjam often breaks when couples accept their physical limitations.

An important step, she says, is to “free yourself from penetrative sex”.

There are many other intimate practices that are very pleasurable, e.g. smooching, naked cuddling, sensual massages, re- exploring each other’s bodies – and your own.

The key is to tell your partner what makes you feel good.

“It’s all a matter of openness and mutual understanding,” Micus says.

Your bedroom is dead; you can hardly recall the last time you had sex together.

It’s not uncommon in long-term relationships.

“After 40 or 50 years of marriage, your partner may no longer fire your carnal desires,” Micus says.

You know their body inside out; you rarely experience anything new and exciting.

As an antidote, she suggests taking your cue from newly- married couples, who “put their relationship at centre stage”.

The focus typically shifts in decades-long relationships: “You had children and grandchildren, stressful years at the workplace – there was little room left for your relationship.”

Well, it’s high time to reclaim lost opportunities.

Micus recommends sharing new experiences that restrengthen your bond and rekindle physical intimacy.

It could be a short holiday in a different environment, a romantic dinner, or a night in a hotel in your own city.

But what if one of the partners remains sexually withdrawn?

While researching her book, Micus repeatedly heard the remark, “My wife doesn’t want sex any more.”

In cases like this, a frank reckoning of the cause can help.

“Often, it’s not that the woman doesn’t want sex in general, but that she finds sex with this man boring.

“Many men have never taken care that the woman gets something out of it too,” she says.

This is something that can also be remedied, by the woman openly communicating her desires. – By Ricarda Dieckmann/dpa